My fake friend – have you seen her?

We all have them at some point in our lives, a friend that isn’t much of a friend.
They will ditch you, neglect you, speak badly about you to others and generally doesn’t bring much positivity to your life.
You can hang out and its fun while it lasts, but when you truly need help, they suddenly are too busy and you are left stranded.
I have had my fair share of these so-called “friends”. To be honest, it feels like most of my life I had only these types of people in my life. People I considered my best friends, are now total strangers. It’s odd how life works that way at times and I wouldn’t change a thing.
I let these people stay in my life, let them take advantage and I barely got a hug from them in return.
I will count the 3 types of “friends” I have encountered and will from now on try to avoid like the plaque.
The first is the one-sided friendship. You give your all and they give nothing in return. Nothing would be an exaggeration, but their efforts pale in comparison to yours.
My former friend A falls under this definition. I considered them my best friend, until I realized that I didn’t even fall under their top 10, heck I’m pretty sure a stranger would have a leg up compared to me.
I had known this person for years and I told everyone we were best friends. I trusted them, told them everything and I was there for them when they were going through things. I would pick up the calls at night. But what did that get me? Nothing, really. They didn’t say I was their best friend; I was just Isabell, no title, treated like an acquaintance in front of other people. I had to turn to others for advice, they were always busy doing other things, and other people always seemed more important. This was one of the more hurtful friendships and just recently I have cut them out of my life. I was done with letting them walk all over me. I was the shoulder to lean on for so many years but when I needed a shoulder, I was faced with unanswered calls and texts.
I felt like a fool, but every time I tried to put my foot down and ignored them, they wiggled themselves back into my life. They’d give excuses, empty promises and I welcomed them back with open arms, thinking that maybe they had changed. It’s safe to say nothing had changed and the toxic relationship just continued, me being the one slowly poisoned. I began believing that friendships were like that, I just had high expectations and perhaps I wasn’t trying hard enough. They clouded my mind and poisoned my heart. I no longer saw straight, making excuses for them and destroyed my self-worth a little bit more in the process.
It was one of the worst relationships, but I learned a lot. I now know that these friendships, although at times they feel like they are worth it, only destroy you and are more detrimental that you initially realize. I realized my self-worth and that my demands from friendships weren’t too much, they were more than reasonable and I deserved to have them met.
If I can be a good friend, it’s not too much to ask others to be the same.
This person has tried to reach out again and although I do reply, I no longer give them the same love I used to. When they stop replying, I don’t worry or think less of myself, I just let them be. And I have never felt more content.
The second type of friend is the one you have been friends with out of necessity. You’re friends because no one else wants to be your friend. When two outsiders form a friendship it’s usually not because they want to, but because they feel like they need to.  I had that friendship for years, nearly a decade. We were friends and hung out because no one else would but it always felt forced. They’d abandon me whenever someone else showed interest and we’d not talk for weeks, for no reason. I always felt like I needed to show interest in things I really didn’t care about, but if I didn’t we’d have nothing to talk about. You don’t meet this person outside of school, you only speak of school and when they leave, they fall of the grid. I spoke about this person in a previous blogpost and nothing had changed. They visited a few months ago and although we hung out once, it again felt forced and we barely had anything to talk about. I pretty much carried the conversation. It did solidify my hunch that the friendship had run its course, I mean it had run its course years ago but I no longer need to try to salvage something that barely existed to begin with. I have seen these friendships a lot though, friends from school that just vanish after graduation. Usually you will first text, then try to meet up but never really manage, your inbox is filled with failed attempts and soon you will only send them a quick happy birthday or happy new years.  And honestly? It’s fine. It doesn’t always have to be a big blow-out fight. Sometimes people grow apart, maybe in the future you can grow back together but for now it’s better for both to live your lives separately. Unlike the first relationship, I don’t hold any grudges against them. We used each other for company when no one else wanted to hang out with us. We were each other’s life boats for a while, to avoid total isolation and I am grateful for that.
And now we move on to a friendship that I not only regret, but one that everyone should avoid : The extremely toxic ones.
I did mention that the first one was toxic, but that was just a slight drop of poison, not lethal but still to be avoided. This one I am about to talk about should be avoided because it will cause a chain reaction of terrible things.
A friend that is truly rotten. I feel like many may not run into these people, but many who have low self-esteem and self-worth will most likely have at least one encounter with these people. They feed off of negative energy and multiply it. I met this person at one of the lowest points in my life. I was riddled with self-doubt, self-hate and horrible thoughts that I don’t wish on anyone.
I became friends with them, because I thought they were there for me, like they understood but it was far from that. These type of people will incite the negativity, breed it and continue it until you finally snap out of it, although I feel like many don’t. Given, these people deal with a fair share of problems themselves usually, but they still try to push their issues upon you and try to spin your issues into something much much worse. My bad thoughts turned dangerous and when I shared my bad thoughts with them, they weren’t rejected; I was made feel like the thoughts were normal. They weren’t. I was in a deep dark place and the things I thought of weren’t normal and of great concern. You can see why these people can be the death of you, quite literally in some cases. I only found out not too long ago that this person spoke horribly about me to others, told them about my issues, telling them I should go ahead with my twisted thoughts. I only learned of this recently and although they are no longer a part of my life, hearing those things was like a blow to the gut. This sinking feeling that makes you feeling like you’re being pulled under water and you can’t breathe. I knew this person was far from good, but I considered this too horrible for even them to do, I obviously was mistaken.
I know that they have caused turmoil in not only my life but also plenty of others, who recount similar scenarios. If you ought to avoid one of these friendships at all costs, this is truly one of them. When you’re in a bad place and you see someone maybe not having the best intentions, cut them out as fast as you can. I have and my life has become better, my bad thoughts have subsided and although I wish I could take back the things I did, I now know that I will never do these things again. In a weird twisted way, they made me see the light, but I am sure I could have done that without them just as well.
I have fewer friends than I had before, but I can say that I can at least depend on the people I choose to have in my life now. I hope you choose to have the right people in your life too and learn from the mistakes I have made. Hopefully you see the signs I ignored and cut out those who do more harm than good in your life.
Friendships are amazing, they can bring so much joy into your life but you shouldn’t try to have friends at any cost, especially if your mental health is at stake. No one is worth you lowering your self-worth.
I wish all of you happy friendships, that are supportive and that you grow from them, that they grow with you.
With love,
Isabell

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A Biracial Third Culture Kid

I am biracial and a Third Culture Kid.
A Third Culture Kid is someone who is raised in a culture other than that of their parents’ for a significant part of their early development years
I have spoken about this before, I think. I am half South Asian (dad’s side) and half central European (mum’s side), but i was born and primarily grew up in East Africa. As you may already thought, this caused some serious identity issues. I don’t feel like I belong to the Asian side, because I don’t speak my fathers native language and my skin is a lot lighter . I don’t feel like i fit into the European side because although I speak my mums language, I don’t feel connected to that part of me. I lived there for 4 years and the experience was less than favorable and I am apparently not white passing enough to pass as a native (I look “exotic” to many, so I don’t feel like I fit in either). And then we move on to the country I live in. I am not black and I don’t speak the national language, only its official language English. I may have been born here and grew up here for the majority of my life, I still feel like an outcast. I feel like an outcast with my Asian side, especially since my father sees me more as white than anything else. He doesn’t see that others don’t see me as white though, that I was made fun of for my race, that I don’t see myself as white either. I see myself as mixed. Biracial. Which is true, but others always want to make it difficult. I suddenly find myself being told I am not one or the other or them trying to claim me as part of their race, but at the same time I am vehemently rejected because I am not enough. Same goes for my home country. I am accepted by everyone, until I try to say things about the political situation or about the country that isn’t positive (every country has its faults, which is normal). Suddenly I am not part of the country, I am an outsider, a foreigner who doesn’t know anything. It doesn’t matter that I was born and primarily grew up here (I lived here for 17 years), I am still not enough.
And it doesn’t just stop there. Whenever there is violence on the TV against people of colour, I feel outraged and scared ,but at the same time I feel like I shouldn’t have these feelings. Am I not white too? Do I not also have white privilege in a sense? Will I ever feel the amount of fear other people of colour have, especially those darker than I am? When I feel this anger and disgust at whites, aren’t I angry and disgusted with myself.
Am I rejecting my white side, half of who I am, because I feel these things?
But then again, I also feel this disconnect to the Asian side. I don’t feel a connection with the country. When I try to connect and learn more, it’s more like my father is telling me about his country. But isn’t it my country too? I practice its religion, I pray to the same gods, but I still, I am made to believe that I am not a part of it.
I have become frustrated. I am pulled into each direction, in none I feel at home and in the one I do feel at home, I am rejected.
For my whole life I have felt as an outcast, like I don’t belong and these feelings just get stronger.
Don’t get me wrong, I like that I am biracial and that I grew up in a country different from where my parents are from. I have so many different perspectives on things, I see things from a unique standpoint, simply by being influenced by three different cultures.
it just gets hard when you want a place to feel at home and also have people understand you. I have never met someone who was in my position and I hope maybe someone reads this that can identify with my feelings.

With love,
Isabell

Disstracks, Drama Channels, React Channels and their Popularity

Disstracks have become a new phenomenon on YouTube and have blown up.
You have a disagreement with someone? release a disstrack. You aren’t making enough views ? Make up a disagreement and release a disstrack.
For the last few weeks, bordering on a few months, we have seen a copious amount of disstracks flung our way. Of course they existed before but never have they been released at such a large quantity. I have only seen RiceGum release disstracks about little children and other people he apparently had some quarrel with.
They all amass millions of views and the comment section is ablaze with need for more drama. Because that’s what it essentially is : drama.
The internet feeds off of drama. The reaction and opinion of others has become the new trend and from that creators of such content gain millions of subscribers, especially if their opinion is negative. The wave of react channels has come, as well as drama channels, because people love having their feelings validated and that’s exactly what these channels do .
And that’s the recipe for success: Drama. The one ‘genre’ feeds off of the other genre. Someone has a falling out and the drama channels pick it up, they blow it out of proportion and a disstrack is released, to which others react to and all that creates more content for drama channels. It’s a vicious cycle, but one that the internet loves. Because if anything, the internet is a breeding ground for negative energy and drama, it loves to see the downfall of others.
I mean sure, the internet has been great on many aspects and I am very grateful for it. Never has there ever been so much information readily available at your fingertips and you can take it with you anywhere. But when so many people are a part of a platform, evidently a niche is going to form to cater to certain people’s needs.
Many people like seeing the complexity of an online fall-out, especially when those people who fell out, document their entire lives for the world to see.
My main concern is how we are going to evolve from this? Is it just going to get worse?
The disstracks I have seen are borderline abusive and could perhaps in some countries warrant a restraining order, yet they seem to just be getting worse.
Generally the content I have seen posted is to attract attention, by any means possible, and that can cause some serious harm for those creating the content. When will they draw the line and say “this has gone too far”?
I am confused about where these creators are headed, because YouTube used to be a fun nice place to watch little videos on and where you could forget the world for the few minutes, but lately it has become a hotbed of hate and negativity (pushed even further with the clickbait titles).
Let me know what you think down below..
I am very on the fence about this topic. I understand it’s popularity and I do believe anyone can and should create what they want. I simply wonder what will happen in a few months. Will it get worse or will it simply be replaced by a new trend?

with love,
Isabell

Is Life a Race?

I have always felt like life was a race and I was way behind. I wasn’t running fast enough, achieving the things others did took me longer and I never felt like I was doing enough.
I tried to run faster, but with the obstacles in my path and in my head, it made it hard.

I have reached another bump in the road, I will have to defer another year and start university next year. I already took a gap year and I’ll have to make it two years now.
Everything worked so well, I got into every single University I applied to, I already began learning about the courses, with the lectures I found online. And everything came to a screeching halt. I know I will get to go at some point, I just really wanted it to be this year. I know I will have work to do and I won’t be sitting around waiting, but I just really wanted to go.
Funny thing is, while I wallowed in my sadness, I realized I want to go to University for myself, that indeed is true,  but I wanted to go this year simply because I still was under the impression that life is a race.
I was told that my whole life. Graduate when you’re 18, go to university, graduate from university when you’re 21 and then start working or do your masters. By 35 I should be married and have a kid. And to be honest? I don’t need to follow that path. Many don’t and I won’t either. Don’t get me wrong, I want all of these things but I don’t have to follow some timeline in order to get them. And you shouldn’t either. Of course, if you want to, then be on your merry way! I wish you the best of luck!
But for me life has been an uphill battle and things don’t always go the way I want them to and often times your timelines just won’t work out. You find yourself trying to catch up with a timeline someone else has created and trying to fulfill that. But does it fulfill you? Or do you find yourself not getting to do the things you truly wanted? Or perhaps you stressed yourself out too much and by the time you get to the end of the timeline, you weren’t ever happy or you made the wrong decision. I just want to avoid that.
I think the biggest step in doing that is realizing all of this.
I know I will go to University, I know I will do great, but I need to stop competing in a race that I never signed up for. Others did for me.
I know people who have followed that timeline and they seem happy and others that seem miserable.
Truth is, life isn’t a race. It’s life. It’s meant to be lived, meant to be enjoyed and you shouldn’t fuss about what everyone else is doing. They most probably feel like they’re behind in the race too.
I have officially quit the race, I will walk along and follow the path my heart leads me down, I will stop once in a while, like I am doing now and pick up my paces later. All in all, I am trying to take things slow. Trying to slow down the time, because it seems to be ticking by faster each year. (It’s already August?! How??!!)
If you feel the same, maybe try to slow down and look around for a while. Re-evaluate your life and yourself. Dig deep and try to see what you’re doing for yourself and what you’re doing simply because everyone else is, especially if you’re unhappy while doing it!

Lots of love,
Isabell

I am the reason I am single

I have a dream every night, I am just one of those people. So, last night I dreamed about a guy  I used to know (get your mind out of the gutter! 😉 ). I just met him on a street, we talked for a bit and it was nice. However, when I woke up I realized something about myself and my relationship with the opposite sex (maybe in another post I’ll talk about relationships in general and why I also struggle with those).
He was in our school for half a year, I knew that his presence wasn’t permanent and I just began hanging out with him. It all started because I didn’t have French lessons at the time, so instead I would have a free lesson with a few other people and he was one of those people. I didn’t like the other person too much (it’s a long story, like I am speaking of years of things that happened between us) and the new guy and I began hanging out. I will call him Logan from now on to make this story easier to follow. So Logan and I began hanging out and we talked a lot, especially during the free lessons (He wasn’t too committed on studying or doing homework and I usually did everything ahead of time).
We talked and I can’t remember what we talked about, but it didn’t matter. We just enjoyed the company of another and that’s what it was at first. Obviously I wouldn’t talk about this right now, if things didn’t change. We talked more and it became flirtatious, we would mock each other and we just did things that hinted at something more of a friendship. One day we were in the library and we were talking again and it really seemed like he was going to kiss me. I freaked out, backed away and just pretended like nothing happened.
Remember the other person who I had a history with, who also didn’t have French? Well, they make an entrance. We’ll call them Kim. They began interrogating me about it and said that they thought that Logan likes me, which I brushed off and told Kim to go away and stop bothering me. They and I were not close and I didn’t need them to interfere. Either way, I totally knew this thing between Logan and I wouldn’t go anywhere because he was going to leave after half a year. It was pointless. Thing is, I did like him. I also know that even if he had stayed for a year or even till we graduated, I still wouldn’t have pursued it.
That’s when I realize that the main reason why I’m single is because I block people. I don’t even give guys a chance. I keep telling everyone that “No guys want to date me and that I’ll forever be single, because I am not pretty enough”. But there were people in my life, guys, that showed interest and I cut them off. I told them I wasn’t interested or I just ignore all the signs and hope they give up at some point. Act dumb and hope for the best.
My looks aren’t the problem, I am not too unfortunate looking and some guys are into the insecure and broken girls. So that’s not the problem. Guys aren’t the problem. I am the problem.
I get scared, I don’t know what to do and I never felt ready to open myself up to someone and be vulnerable. I can’t see myself in a relationship with someone at the moment and I knew that before all of this. BUT, I also kept saying and thinking that guys were also the problem. I mean granted, I usually attract very strange guys who are not safe to be around and who I would never be with. However, there were a few men who were decent, goodhearted and they wanted to start something.
I just push people away and I am responsible for myself being single.

How weird is it that a simple dream caused all of this reflection and realization?
Anyways, I hope this little piece helped a few and maybe you came to a small realization yourself, perhaps you do the same?

With love,

Isabell ❤

Drowning

I recently got this book from a friend (wreck this journal) and I know the main premises of the book is to destroy it and do things to it. But alas I am a coward and I could never do that. I love books and I just really don’t fancy the idea of destroying one – or anything for that matter.
So instead of doing that I write things into the pages that correlate to the task given – at least I’ll try to. So, one of the pages asks you to drown it in water. Well, at least I think that’s what it asks of you, the book is in German and I thought I was fluent but apparently I am not (Some words sound so foreign to me, perhaps it’s because I rarely speak German nowadays, unless it’s with my mother).
So let’s just all assume it says to drown the page 😉

So this got me thinking, the word drowning itself.
I always thought that drowning doesn’t always have to involve water.
You can feel like drowning, while you’re in a crowd.
You can sometimes literally feel yourself going under in that sea of people.
They drag you along like a tide and as much as you try, you can’t go against the stream, so you find yourself drifting along.
But you also feel like you’re drowning when you’re sad. I am speaking of real sadness. You’re lungs suddenly feel heavy, like they’re filled with lead.
No one is there to help you and you feel your emotions taking over.
You become aware of the heaviness of the world and it’s crushing you.
You begin to drown under all the emotions inside of you and like a flood it breaks all barriers and covers every crevice of your body, forcing it to go under.
Sometimes I feel like drowning is horrible than the scenarios mentioned above.
When you drown, physically, you will lose consciousness at some point and it will be over in a few minutes (sometimes even under a minute). But when you drown mentally?
That can last hours, days or even a life-time.

I hope you liked this analogy, although it was very sad.

With love,
Isabell ❤

And so I pray

I have never been very religious. My parents are and my brother is too – at least I think so. I just never followed their path and didn’t pay much attention to it and never thought much of it. Everyone I met who was super religious told me I was going to hell or they’d try to force their religion down me. It put me off even more, to a point where I openly spoke out against it. Funny how things can change.
I have been in a rough period in my life, so a while now. I have very little I am holding on to and I feel myself becoming sadder and losing hope. However, I began to pray.
It made me feel better, because I felt like someone was listening to me when no one else would. I have no friends I can confide in or tell them my secrets or anything personal really. I am very reserved when it comes to that (I can talk about my past and things that happened but I make it a point not to talk about current issues plaguing my life) and always have been.  But I felt myself going crazy, because you can’t just hold things in, you need to share your feelings, even when the other person won’t say anything. Just to get it out and have it off your chest. And so I began to pray and it turned into a daily thing. Every night. I pray for things to happen in my life (it’s always three things) and then I give thanks for the things that are in my life and for which I am grateful for.
It’s odd how the times have changed and how I began to believe in a higher power.
It has made me feel better, I can go to bed without feeling as scared, since I have gotten my worries off my chest and feel a lot better afterwards.
This post is just to show that people change and when things go south, you sometimes find things that help you through it all. It’s helping me and making me feel better.
I hope this helps others out there who are going through something similar and remember it’s never a bad thing to change tides at times. I am glad that I don’t look down upon praying anymore, because I am very grateful for it now.

If you have any stories of your own or any questions, leave them down below and I’ll make sure to answer them!

With love,
isabell

Old Friend

So if you have read my blog for a while, you’d know about Z. If you don’t , no worries! This is the run-down : We are friends from school and we had a lot of ups and downs. We would fall out all the time but then come back together and be friends (always a weird tension between us though). So once she graduated and left for uni, we haven’t really spoken and I realized that perhaps we forced a friendship out of convenience. We were friends because we were in the same school and no one else hung out with us.
That’s the whole gist. So lately we spoke to another, I wished her a happy birthday and we began talking again. We would chat about all sort of things but I felt like I was walking on eggshells, since I haven’t spoken to her in so long. I didn’t even know if I knew her anymore…
So she came back for her holidays and asked to meet up and we did…
I was so nervous about it, I even had a exit plan, just in case the meet-up was going to be awkward and we didn’t click anymore.
So we met and went to our old school and reminisced about our time there and everything we had experienced. It was fun while we were in school, we took tons of pictures and talked about the past. Once we went to the mall and had lunch, the conversation began to wane. It felt like I was the only one holding the conversation, moving it forward and coming up with new things to talk about. It was exhausting at the end.
She barely told me things about her life, and I just had to talk about myself, which was just awkward and uncomfortable.
By the time we said goodbye, I felt like I was more unsure than I was before. Are we friends, are we not or have we entered another form of relationship?
Mere acquaintances perhaps, who were friends before that for a long time (I’m talking double digits here)?
Once I went back home, I had to do a lot of thinking and I am still thinking about this. I have no idea what she thinks about it but I don’t want to ask, I don’t want to start something. I know a few things for sure: I have fond memories of us (and some that aren’t as fond), we were friends for a long time, although perhaps that’s just due to circumstances at the moment that drove our friendship and that I’ll hold a special place for her in my heart. I have no idea what place or its size, but it’s there.
I’ll just leave this here.. These are my thoughts about this..
BUT I will have to say I am glad I did meet her, because I could have just curved her.
I am glad we met and talked, even if I am more confused than before..

With love,
Isabell

insignificant

The horizon seems to go on forever. It was all you could see and all you’d ever want to see. It showed how big the world was, how endless your possibilities are and how insignificant you’ll remain. For you could never surpass the size of the earth nor its importance. But we still like to think we would. We always think we are important, more important than the planet keeping us alive. We relish in selfish acts that destroy the world, saying that we deserve to live in a manner that destroys the one thing that’s providing us with something we need to survive- Oxygen. Yet, we pretend that money and other things have higher value, because the number on your bank account now dictates your living. We forget that we were given this because the earth has provided us with enough, but just as she has given us all of it, she can take it all away. It only takes an earthquake and a few tsunamis and we’d come back to realization. We’d realize that that’s the person next you is just as valuable as you and just as insignificant.
Both of you will be buried 6 feet under the ground and join the rest of them who thought that their lives were more important than the where you were buried.

——–
Little tip : try and not be douche and recycle and don’t throw things out of your car while you’re driving.
I just saw this douche throwing out a plastic bottle out of a moving vehicle (expensive Range Rover) and he threw it into a forest the road was driving through. Ew.|
We sped past him at some point and he was wearing these large sunglasses and didn’t seem to give a damn. Wow.
We are in 2017, please stop being an idiot. I think by now we know that global warming is very much a thing and even if you don’t think so, we all know that plastic is not biodegradable. Keep the bottle in the car and dispose of it when you get home.
Prick.

Hope sprouts

Hope sprouts like a flower and just like a flower you need to tend to it. Water it with love, if not it will wilt.
I have been struggling with hope. Hope of a better future, hope of better me, hope that maybe someday I will feel happy again.
Yesterday I felt hopeless. I go through phases where I feel so utterly hopeless, like a fire is put out by a single blow. It comes at random times and yesterday was one of those.
It was like a blow to the gut and I just began crying. It feels like my insides are tearing at one another.I had a breakdown and I didn’t even know what to do.
Things aren’t going that great in my life, as much as I try to have it go a better way. I have no idea what will happen in a few months or tomorrow, everything is just a blurry mess.
Nothing has ever been certain in my life and it’s taking a toll on me.
I always had that glimmer of hope, no matter what. I carried it around with me, holding it close and letting it give me strength. Now? The little bit of hope seems to be crumbling away and I will be left with absolutely nothing to hold on to.
My flower is wilting.

I don’t know why I’m sharing this but I feel like no one else will listen to me, don’t really have any friends who I am this close to. People I can really trust. I don’t want to further burden my family, they’re going through enough..

This is just me, using my last shred of hope in thinking perhaps that publishing this out into the world, maybe the universe will hear me and be a guiding light and help me.
So if the Universe gets this : I just want to be happy, have good things come into my life and have the negative things be driven away for good.

With love,
Isabell