I am the reason I am single

I have a dream every night, I am just one of those people. So, last night I dreamed about a guy  I used to know (get your mind out of the gutter! 😉 ). I just met him on a street, we talked for a bit and it was nice. However, when I woke up I realized something about myself and my relationship with the opposite sex (maybe in another post I’ll talk about relationships in general and why I also struggle with those).
He was in our school for half a year, I knew that his presence wasn’t permanent and I just began hanging out with him. It all started because I didn’t have French lessons at the time, so instead I would have a free lesson with a few other people and he was one of those people. I didn’t like the other person too much (it’s a long story, like I am speaking of years of things that happened between us) and the new guy and I began hanging out. I will call him Logan from now on to make this story easier to follow. So Logan and I began hanging out and we talked a lot, especially during the free lessons (He wasn’t too committed on studying or doing homework and I usually did everything ahead of time).
We talked and I can’t remember what we talked about, but it didn’t matter. We just enjoyed the company of another and that’s what it was at first. Obviously I wouldn’t talk about this right now, if things didn’t change. We talked more and it became flirtatious, we would mock each other and we just did things that hinted at something more of a friendship. One day we were in the library and we were talking again and it really seemed like he was going to kiss me. I freaked out, backed away and just pretended like nothing happened.
Remember the other person who I had a history with, who also didn’t have French? Well, they make an entrance. We’ll call them Kim. They began interrogating me about it and said that they thought that Logan likes me, which I brushed off and told Kim to go away and stop bothering me. They and I were not close and I didn’t need them to interfere. Either way, I totally knew this thing between Logan and I wouldn’t go anywhere because he was going to leave after half a year. It was pointless. Thing is, I did like him. I also know that even if he had stayed for a year or even till we graduated, I still wouldn’t have pursued it.
That’s when I realize that the main reason why I’m single is because I block people. I don’t even give guys a chance. I keep telling everyone that “No guys want to date me and that I’ll forever be single, because I am not pretty enough”. But there were people in my life, guys, that showed interest and I cut them off. I told them I wasn’t interested or I just ignore all the signs and hope they give up at some point. Act dumb and hope for the best.
My looks aren’t the problem, I am not too unfortunate looking and some guys are into the insecure and broken girls. So that’s not the problem. Guys aren’t the problem. I am the problem.
I get scared, I don’t know what to do and I never felt ready to open myself up to someone and be vulnerable. I can’t see myself in a relationship with someone at the moment and I knew that before all of this. BUT, I also kept saying and thinking that guys were also the problem. I mean granted, I usually attract very strange guys who are not safe to be around and who I would never be with. However, there were a few men who were decent, goodhearted and they wanted to start something.
I just push people away and I am responsible for myself being single.

How weird is it that a simple dream caused all of this reflection and realization?
Anyways, I hope this little piece helped a few and maybe you came to a small realization yourself, perhaps you do the same?

With love,

Isabell ❤

Drowning

I recently got this book from a friend (wreck this journal) and I know the main premises of the book is to destroy it and do things to it. But alas I am a coward and I could never do that. I love books and I just really don’t fancy the idea of destroying one – or anything for that matter.
So instead of doing that I write things into the pages that correlate to the task given – at least I’ll try to. So, one of the pages asks you to drown it in water. Well, at least I think that’s what it asks of you, the book is in German and I thought I was fluent but apparently I am not (Some words sound so foreign to me, perhaps it’s because I rarely speak German nowadays, unless it’s with my mother).
So let’s just all assume it says to drown the page 😉

So this got me thinking, the word drowning itself.
I always thought that drowning doesn’t always have to involve water.
You can feel like drowning, while you’re in a crowd.
You can sometimes literally feel yourself going under in that sea of people.
They drag you along like a tide and as much as you try, you can’t go against the stream, so you find yourself drifting along.
But you also feel like you’re drowning when you’re sad. I am speaking of real sadness. You’re lungs suddenly feel heavy, like they’re filled with lead.
No one is there to help you and you feel your emotions taking over.
You become aware of the heaviness of the world and it’s crushing you.
You begin to drown under all the emotions inside of you and like a flood it breaks all barriers and covers every crevice of your body, forcing it to go under.
Sometimes I feel like drowning is horrible than the scenarios mentioned above.
When you drown, physically, you will lose consciousness at some point and it will be over in a few minutes (sometimes even under a minute). But when you drown mentally?
That can last hours, days or even a life-time.

I hope you liked this analogy, although it was very sad.

With love,
Isabell ❤

And so I pray

I have never been very religious. My parents are and my brother is too – at least I think so. I just never followed their path and didn’t pay much attention to it and never thought much of it. Everyone I met who was super religious told me I was going to hell or they’d try to force their religion down me. It put me off even more, to a point where I openly spoke out against it. Funny how things can change.
I have been in a rough period in my life, so a while now. I have very little I am holding on to and I feel myself becoming sadder and losing hope. However, I began to pray.
It made me feel better, because I felt like someone was listening to me when no one else would. I have no friends I can confide in or tell them my secrets or anything personal really. I am very reserved when it comes to that (I can talk about my past and things that happened but I make it a point not to talk about current issues plaguing my life) and always have been.  But I felt myself going crazy, because you can’t just hold things in, you need to share your feelings, even when the other person won’t say anything. Just to get it out and have it off your chest. And so I began to pray and it turned into a daily thing. Every night. I pray for things to happen in my life (it’s always three things) and then I give thanks for the things that are in my life and for which I am grateful for.
It’s odd how the times have changed and how I began to believe in a higher power.
It has made me feel better, I can go to bed without feeling as scared, since I have gotten my worries off my chest and feel a lot better afterwards.
This post is just to show that people change and when things go south, you sometimes find things that help you through it all. It’s helping me and making me feel better.
I hope this helps others out there who are going through something similar and remember it’s never a bad thing to change tides at times. I am glad that I don’t look down upon praying anymore, because I am very grateful for it now.

If you have any stories of your own or any questions, leave them down below and I’ll make sure to answer them!

With love,
isabell