I have a dream every night, I am just one of those people. So, last night I dreamed about a guy I used to know (get your mind out of the gutter! 😉 ). I just met him on a street, we talked for a bit and it was nice. However, when I woke up I realized something about myself and my relationship with the opposite sex (maybe in another post I’ll talk about relationships in general and why I also struggle with those).
He was in our school for half a year, I knew that his presence wasn’t permanent and I just began hanging out with him. It all started because I didn’t have French lessons at the time, so instead I would have a free lesson with a few other people and he was one of those people. I didn’t like the other person too much (it’s a long story, like I am speaking of years of things that happened between us) and the new guy and I began hanging out. I will call him Logan from now on to make this story easier to follow. So Logan and I began hanging out and we talked a lot, especially during the free lessons (He wasn’t too committed on studying or doing homework and I usually did everything ahead of time).
We talked and I can’t remember what we talked about, but it didn’t matter. We just enjoyed the company of another and that’s what it was at first. Obviously I wouldn’t talk about this right now, if things didn’t change. We talked more and it became flirtatious, we would mock each other and we just did things that hinted at something more of a friendship. One day we were in the library and we were talking again and it really seemed like he was going to kiss me. I freaked out, backed away and just pretended like nothing happened.
Remember the other person who I had a history with, who also didn’t have French? Well, they make an entrance. We’ll call them Kim. They began interrogating me about it and said that they thought that Logan likes me, which I brushed off and told Kim to go away and stop bothering me. They and I were not close and I didn’t need them to interfere. Either way, I totally knew this thing between Logan and I wouldn’t go anywhere because he was going to leave after half a year. It was pointless. Thing is, I did like him. I also know that even if he had stayed for a year or even till we graduated, I still wouldn’t have pursued it.
That’s when I realize that the main reason why I’m single is because I block people. I don’t even give guys a chance. I keep telling everyone that “No guys want to date me and that I’ll forever be single, because I am not pretty enough”. But there were people in my life, guys, that showed interest and I cut them off. I told them I wasn’t interested or I just ignore all the signs and hope they give up at some point. Act dumb and hope for the best.
My looks aren’t the problem, I am not too unfortunate looking and some guys are into the insecure and broken girls. So that’s not the problem. Guys aren’t the problem. I am the problem.
I get scared, I don’t know what to do and I never felt ready to open myself up to someone and be vulnerable. I can’t see myself in a relationship with someone at the moment and I knew that before all of this. BUT, I also kept saying and thinking that guys were also the problem. I mean granted, I usually attract very strange guys who are not safe to be around and who I would never be with. However, there were a few men who were decent, goodhearted and they wanted to start something.
I just push people away and I am responsible for myself being single.
How weird is it that a simple dream caused all of this reflection and realization?
Anyways, I hope this little piece helped a few and maybe you came to a small realization yourself, perhaps you do the same?