I am the reason I am single

I have a dream every night, I am just one of those people. So, last night I dreamed about a guy  I used to know (get your mind out of the gutter! 😉 ). I just met him on a street, we talked for a bit and it was nice. However, when I woke up I realized something about myself and my relationship with the opposite sex (maybe in another post I’ll talk about relationships in general and why I also struggle with those).
He was in our school for half a year, I knew that his presence wasn’t permanent and I just began hanging out with him. It all started because I didn’t have French lessons at the time, so instead I would have a free lesson with a few other people and he was one of those people. I didn’t like the other person too much (it’s a long story, like I am speaking of years of things that happened between us) and the new guy and I began hanging out. I will call him Logan from now on to make this story easier to follow. So Logan and I began hanging out and we talked a lot, especially during the free lessons (He wasn’t too committed on studying or doing homework and I usually did everything ahead of time).
We talked and I can’t remember what we talked about, but it didn’t matter. We just enjoyed the company of another and that’s what it was at first. Obviously I wouldn’t talk about this right now, if things didn’t change. We talked more and it became flirtatious, we would mock each other and we just did things that hinted at something more of a friendship. One day we were in the library and we were talking again and it really seemed like he was going to kiss me. I freaked out, backed away and just pretended like nothing happened.
Remember the other person who I had a history with, who also didn’t have French? Well, they make an entrance. We’ll call them Kim. They began interrogating me about it and said that they thought that Logan likes me, which I brushed off and told Kim to go away and stop bothering me. They and I were not close and I didn’t need them to interfere. Either way, I totally knew this thing between Logan and I wouldn’t go anywhere because he was going to leave after half a year. It was pointless. Thing is, I did like him. I also know that even if he had stayed for a year or even till we graduated, I still wouldn’t have pursued it.
That’s when I realize that the main reason why I’m single is because I block people. I don’t even give guys a chance. I keep telling everyone that “No guys want to date me and that I’ll forever be single, because I am not pretty enough”. But there were people in my life, guys, that showed interest and I cut them off. I told them I wasn’t interested or I just ignore all the signs and hope they give up at some point. Act dumb and hope for the best.
My looks aren’t the problem, I am not too unfortunate looking and some guys are into the insecure and broken girls. So that’s not the problem. Guys aren’t the problem. I am the problem.
I get scared, I don’t know what to do and I never felt ready to open myself up to someone and be vulnerable. I can’t see myself in a relationship with someone at the moment and I knew that before all of this. BUT, I also kept saying and thinking that guys were also the problem. I mean granted, I usually attract very strange guys who are not safe to be around and who I would never be with. However, there were a few men who were decent, goodhearted and they wanted to start something.
I just push people away and I am responsible for myself being single.

How weird is it that a simple dream caused all of this reflection and realization?
Anyways, I hope this little piece helped a few and maybe you came to a small realization yourself, perhaps you do the same?

With love,

Isabell ❤

Drowning

I recently got this book from a friend (wreck this journal) and I know the main premises of the book is to destroy it and do things to it. But alas I am a coward and I could never do that. I love books and I just really don’t fancy the idea of destroying one – or anything for that matter.
So instead of doing that I write things into the pages that correlate to the task given – at least I’ll try to. So, one of the pages asks you to drown it in water. Well, at least I think that’s what it asks of you, the book is in German and I thought I was fluent but apparently I am not (Some words sound so foreign to me, perhaps it’s because I rarely speak German nowadays, unless it’s with my mother).
So let’s just all assume it says to drown the page 😉

So this got me thinking, the word drowning itself.
I always thought that drowning doesn’t always have to involve water.
You can feel like drowning, while you’re in a crowd.
You can sometimes literally feel yourself going under in that sea of people.
They drag you along like a tide and as much as you try, you can’t go against the stream, so you find yourself drifting along.
But you also feel like you’re drowning when you’re sad. I am speaking of real sadness. You’re lungs suddenly feel heavy, like they’re filled with lead.
No one is there to help you and you feel your emotions taking over.
You become aware of the heaviness of the world and it’s crushing you.
You begin to drown under all the emotions inside of you and like a flood it breaks all barriers and covers every crevice of your body, forcing it to go under.
Sometimes I feel like drowning is horrible than the scenarios mentioned above.
When you drown, physically, you will lose consciousness at some point and it will be over in a few minutes (sometimes even under a minute). But when you drown mentally?
That can last hours, days or even a life-time.

I hope you liked this analogy, although it was very sad.

With love,
Isabell ❤

And so I pray

I have never been very religious. My parents are and my brother is too – at least I think so. I just never followed their path and didn’t pay much attention to it and never thought much of it. Everyone I met who was super religious told me I was going to hell or they’d try to force their religion down me. It put me off even more, to a point where I openly spoke out against it. Funny how things can change.
I have been in a rough period in my life, so a while now. I have very little I am holding on to and I feel myself becoming sadder and losing hope. However, I began to pray.
It made me feel better, because I felt like someone was listening to me when no one else would. I have no friends I can confide in or tell them my secrets or anything personal really. I am very reserved when it comes to that (I can talk about my past and things that happened but I make it a point not to talk about current issues plaguing my life) and always have been.  But I felt myself going crazy, because you can’t just hold things in, you need to share your feelings, even when the other person won’t say anything. Just to get it out and have it off your chest. And so I began to pray and it turned into a daily thing. Every night. I pray for things to happen in my life (it’s always three things) and then I give thanks for the things that are in my life and for which I am grateful for.
It’s odd how the times have changed and how I began to believe in a higher power.
It has made me feel better, I can go to bed without feeling as scared, since I have gotten my worries off my chest and feel a lot better afterwards.
This post is just to show that people change and when things go south, you sometimes find things that help you through it all. It’s helping me and making me feel better.
I hope this helps others out there who are going through something similar and remember it’s never a bad thing to change tides at times. I am glad that I don’t look down upon praying anymore, because I am very grateful for it now.

If you have any stories of your own or any questions, leave them down below and I’ll make sure to answer them!

With love,
isabell

Old Friend

So if you have read my blog for a while, you’d know about Z. If you don’t , no worries! This is the run-down : We are friends from school and we had a lot of ups and downs. We would fall out all the time but then come back together and be friends (always a weird tension between us though). So once she graduated and left for uni, we haven’t really spoken and I realized that perhaps we forced a friendship out of convenience. We were friends because we were in the same school and no one else hung out with us.
That’s the whole gist. So lately we spoke to another, I wished her a happy birthday and we began talking again. We would chat about all sort of things but I felt like I was walking on eggshells, since I haven’t spoken to her in so long. I didn’t even know if I knew her anymore…
So she came back for her holidays and asked to meet up and we did…
I was so nervous about it, I even had a exit plan, just in case the meet-up was going to be awkward and we didn’t click anymore.
So we met and went to our old school and reminisced about our time there and everything we had experienced. It was fun while we were in school, we took tons of pictures and talked about the past. Once we went to the mall and had lunch, the conversation began to wane. It felt like I was the only one holding the conversation, moving it forward and coming up with new things to talk about. It was exhausting at the end.
She barely told me things about her life, and I just had to talk about myself, which was just awkward and uncomfortable.
By the time we said goodbye, I felt like I was more unsure than I was before. Are we friends, are we not or have we entered another form of relationship?
Mere acquaintances perhaps, who were friends before that for a long time (I’m talking double digits here)?
Once I went back home, I had to do a lot of thinking and I am still thinking about this. I have no idea what she thinks about it but I don’t want to ask, I don’t want to start something. I know a few things for sure: I have fond memories of us (and some that aren’t as fond), we were friends for a long time, although perhaps that’s just due to circumstances at the moment that drove our friendship and that I’ll hold a special place for her in my heart. I have no idea what place or its size, but it’s there.
I’ll just leave this here.. These are my thoughts about this..
BUT I will have to say I am glad I did meet her, because I could have just curved her.
I am glad we met and talked, even if I am more confused than before..

With love,
Isabell

insignificant

The horizon seems to go on forever. It was all you could see and all you’d ever want to see. It showed how big the world was, how endless your possibilities are and how insignificant you’ll remain. For you could never surpass the size of the earth nor its importance. But we still like to think we would. We always think we are important, more important than the planet keeping us alive. We relish in selfish acts that destroy the world, saying that we deserve to live in a manner that destroys the one thing that’s providing us with something we need to survive- Oxygen. Yet, we pretend that money and other things have higher value, because the number on your bank account now dictates your living. We forget that we were given this because the earth has provided us with enough, but just as she has given us all of it, she can take it all away. It only takes an earthquake and a few tsunamis and we’d come back to realization. We’d realize that that’s the person next you is just as valuable as you and just as insignificant.
Both of you will be buried 6 feet under the ground and join the rest of them who thought that their lives were more important than the where you were buried.

——–
Little tip : try and not be douche and recycle and don’t throw things out of your car while you’re driving.
I just saw this douche throwing out a plastic bottle out of a moving vehicle (expensive Range Rover) and he threw it into a forest the road was driving through. Ew.|
We sped past him at some point and he was wearing these large sunglasses and didn’t seem to give a damn. Wow.
We are in 2017, please stop being an idiot. I think by now we know that global warming is very much a thing and even if you don’t think so, we all know that plastic is not biodegradable. Keep the bottle in the car and dispose of it when you get home.
Prick.

Hope sprouts

Hope sprouts like a flower and just like a flower you need to tend to it. Water it with love, if not it will wilt.
I have been struggling with hope. Hope of a better future, hope of better me, hope that maybe someday I will feel happy again.
Yesterday I felt hopeless. I go through phases where I feel so utterly hopeless, like a fire is put out by a single blow. It comes at random times and yesterday was one of those.
It was like a blow to the gut and I just began crying. It feels like my insides are tearing at one another.I had a breakdown and I didn’t even know what to do.
Things aren’t going that great in my life, as much as I try to have it go a better way. I have no idea what will happen in a few months or tomorrow, everything is just a blurry mess.
Nothing has ever been certain in my life and it’s taking a toll on me.
I always had that glimmer of hope, no matter what. I carried it around with me, holding it close and letting it give me strength. Now? The little bit of hope seems to be crumbling away and I will be left with absolutely nothing to hold on to.
My flower is wilting.

I don’t know why I’m sharing this but I feel like no one else will listen to me, don’t really have any friends who I am this close to. People I can really trust. I don’t want to further burden my family, they’re going through enough..

This is just me, using my last shred of hope in thinking perhaps that publishing this out into the world, maybe the universe will hear me and be a guiding light and help me.
So if the Universe gets this : I just want to be happy, have good things come into my life and have the negative things be driven away for good.

With love,
Isabell

Held captive

Fear that cripples me,
unable to make a move,
unable to make a sound,
imprisoned by thought.

Anxiety that shakes me,
unable to take a breath,
unable to drift off,
imprisoned by body.

World that breaks me,
unable to hide away,
unable to escape this,
imprisoned by life.

Update on what happened today

So if you read my post yesterday, you’d know that I went back to school to get some documents signed.. It went well!
I really think you guys send me enough strength (even if it was only one or two people)!
I met a few people I was friendly with and we hung out and they were super sweet. I met some old staff member (like the janitor and the technician) and they were super stoked to see me (I was super close to them, since they saw me grow up and they’d hang out and talk to me when I had no one to talk to).
I did meet my old math teacher (he is pretty much one huge reason why I was scared to go back, because he really.. made me feel horrible) and we talked for a little while (mostly consisting of awkward smiles and small talk) BUT I did it!
I do have to confess one thing though : I hid from one teacher. Like the little scared cat that I am, I hid from my English\history teacher. I was so emotionally exhausted from meeting all those people (Does anyone else get that too?? Super tired from just talking and meeting people? ), so I hid in an empty classroom and waited for him to pass by.
Other than that I managed everything pretty well 🙂
I am happy that I didn’t chicken out 😀
Thanks again for the support and wishing me luck!
with love,
isabell!

Filled with dread

So tomorrow I will have to go back to my old school to have documents signed, in order to get into University (they want my diploma signed and with a seal of approval, because up until now they only have a scanned copy). It’s no problem in theory, just go in get the things done and be on my merry way.
Yet, I am nervous. My school experience wasn’t very normal. I hated my school, mainly because of the way the teachers and students in it made me feel. I felt little, dumb and unworthy of being there. Teachers said I would fail and never make it to graduation and students would pick on me and make fun of me because I was generally very shy and had problems speaking in class. Still, I graduated (very well I might add), against all odds and it was one of the happiest moments of my life. I did something no one thought I could achieve and I was incredibly proud of myself.
And although I should be fine returning, since I have graduated with really good grades and proved those wrong who doubted me, I still feel scared. That school caused several anxiety attacks on my part, I would come home crying, I couldn’t sleep and I began having severe migraines. I was a wreck to say the least.
Now I’m in such a good place  emotionally. I rarely cry,I have been getting my nervous behavior under control, I sleep more and I get less migraines.
I just don’t want that school to take that away from me. I know I will bump into teachers that made me feel worthless and told me time and time again I was wasting my time and my parents money.
I am just a very emotional person, my mum would say ” Ja, sie ist nah am Wasser gebaut” (which is German and would translate to : She was build close to water [ referring to me crying very easily at anything, happy and sad moments alike]).
I know I have to go and I will. I will fill you guys in on what happens !
Wish me luck though and send emotional strength my way !
I’m sending all of you warm hugs and lots of love,
Isabell ❤

The Problem

The problem with you is
That you always need to be right.
You revel in making the perfect
Move, sound or statement.

The problem with me is
That I am always in between
Never right or wrong.
I dance clumsily between perfection
And a slippery slope of mistakes.

The problem with forever is
that is does not last.
But it is long enough for us
to figure it out, and with each
move, sound and statement,
We dance into our perfection.