We all have them at some point in our lives, a friend that isn’t much of a friend.
They will ditch you, neglect you, speak badly about you to others and generally doesn’t bring much positivity to your life.
You can hang out and its fun while it lasts, but when you truly need help, they suddenly are too busy and you are left stranded.
I have had my fair share of these so-called “friends”. To be honest, it feels like most of my life I had only these types of people in my life. People I considered my best friends, are now total strangers. It’s odd how life works that way at times and I wouldn’t change a thing.
I let these people stay in my life, let them take advantage and I barely got a hug from them in return.
I will count the 3 types of “friends” I have encountered and will from now on try to avoid like the plaque.
The first is the one-sided friendship. You give your all and they give nothing in return. Nothing would be an exaggeration, but their efforts pale in comparison to yours.
My former friend A falls under this definition. I considered them my best friend, until I realized that I didn’t even fall under their top 10, heck I’m pretty sure a stranger would have a leg up compared to me.
I had known this person for years and I told everyone we were best friends. I trusted them, told them everything and I was there for them when they were going through things. I would pick up the calls at night. But what did that get me? Nothing, really. They didn’t say I was their best friend; I was just Isabell, no title, treated like an acquaintance in front of other people. I had to turn to others for advice, they were always busy doing other things, and other people always seemed more important. This was one of the more hurtful friendships and just recently I have cut them out of my life. I was done with letting them walk all over me. I was the shoulder to lean on for so many years but when I needed a shoulder, I was faced with unanswered calls and texts.
I felt like a fool, but every time I tried to put my foot down and ignored them, they wiggled themselves back into my life. They’d give excuses, empty promises and I welcomed them back with open arms, thinking that maybe they had changed. It’s safe to say nothing had changed and the toxic relationship just continued, me being the one slowly poisoned. I began believing that friendships were like that, I just had high expectations and perhaps I wasn’t trying hard enough. They clouded my mind and poisoned my heart. I no longer saw straight, making excuses for them and destroyed my self-worth a little bit more in the process.
It was one of the worst relationships, but I learned a lot. I now know that these friendships, although at times they feel like they are worth it, only destroy you and are more detrimental that you initially realize. I realized my self-worth and that my demands from friendships weren’t too much, they were more than reasonable and I deserved to have them met.
If I can be a good friend, it’s not too much to ask others to be the same.
This person has tried to reach out again and although I do reply, I no longer give them the same love I used to. When they stop replying, I don’t worry or think less of myself, I just let them be. And I have never felt more content.
The second type of friend is the one you have been friends with out of necessity. You’re friends because no one else wants to be your friend. When two outsiders form a friendship it’s usually not because they want to, but because they feel like they need to. I had that friendship for years, nearly a decade. We were friends and hung out because no one else would but it always felt forced. They’d abandon me whenever someone else showed interest and we’d not talk for weeks, for no reason. I always felt like I needed to show interest in things I really didn’t care about, but if I didn’t we’d have nothing to talk about. You don’t meet this person outside of school, you only speak of school and when they leave, they fall of the grid. I spoke about this person in a previous blogpost and nothing had changed. They visited a few months ago and although we hung out once, it again felt forced and we barely had anything to talk about. I pretty much carried the conversation. It did solidify my hunch that the friendship had run its course, I mean it had run its course years ago but I no longer need to try to salvage something that barely existed to begin with. I have seen these friendships a lot though, friends from school that just vanish after graduation. Usually you will first text, then try to meet up but never really manage, your inbox is filled with failed attempts and soon you will only send them a quick happy birthday or happy new years. And honestly? It’s fine. It doesn’t always have to be a big blow-out fight. Sometimes people grow apart, maybe in the future you can grow back together but for now it’s better for both to live your lives separately. Unlike the first relationship, I don’t hold any grudges against them. We used each other for company when no one else wanted to hang out with us. We were each other’s life boats for a while, to avoid total isolation and I am grateful for that.
And now we move on to a friendship that I not only regret, but one that everyone should avoid : The extremely toxic ones.
I did mention that the first one was toxic, but that was just a slight drop of poison, not lethal but still to be avoided. This one I am about to talk about should be avoided because it will cause a chain reaction of terrible things.
A friend that is truly rotten. I feel like many may not run into these people, but many who have low self-esteem and self-worth will most likely have at least one encounter with these people. They feed off of negative energy and multiply it. I met this person at one of the lowest points in my life. I was riddled with self-doubt, self-hate and horrible thoughts that I don’t wish on anyone.
I became friends with them, because I thought they were there for me, like they understood but it was far from that. These type of people will incite the negativity, breed it and continue it until you finally snap out of it, although I feel like many don’t. Given, these people deal with a fair share of problems themselves usually, but they still try to push their issues upon you and try to spin your issues into something much much worse. My bad thoughts turned dangerous and when I shared my bad thoughts with them, they weren’t rejected; I was made feel like the thoughts were normal. They weren’t. I was in a deep dark place and the things I thought of weren’t normal and of great concern. You can see why these people can be the death of you, quite literally in some cases. I only found out not too long ago that this person spoke horribly about me to others, told them about my issues, telling them I should go ahead with my twisted thoughts. I only learned of this recently and although they are no longer a part of my life, hearing those things was like a blow to the gut. This sinking feeling that makes you feeling like you’re being pulled under water and you can’t breathe. I knew this person was far from good, but I considered this too horrible for even them to do, I obviously was mistaken.
I know that they have caused turmoil in not only my life but also plenty of others, who recount similar scenarios. If you ought to avoid one of these friendships at all costs, this is truly one of them. When you’re in a bad place and you see someone maybe not having the best intentions, cut them out as fast as you can. I have and my life has become better, my bad thoughts have subsided and although I wish I could take back the things I did, I now know that I will never do these things again. In a weird twisted way, they made me see the light, but I am sure I could have done that without them just as well.
I have fewer friends than I had before, but I can say that I can at least depend on the people I choose to have in my life now. I hope you choose to have the right people in your life too and learn from the mistakes I have made. Hopefully you see the signs I ignored and cut out those who do more harm than good in your life.
Friendships are amazing, they can bring so much joy into your life but you shouldn’t try to have friends at any cost, especially if your mental health is at stake. No one is worth you lowering your self-worth.
I wish all of you happy friendships, that are supportive and that you grow from them, that they grow with you.
We all have them at some point in our lives, a friend that isn’t much of a friend.